Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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