I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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