So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
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i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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