Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize