ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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