I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I want to be your penis for a week.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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