i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
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I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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