I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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