I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
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Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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