at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
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she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
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it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The adults are the big ones right?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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