you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
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I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
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I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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