A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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