I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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