somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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