It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
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he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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