Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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