you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize