I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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