my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize