I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
