Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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