did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
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I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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