When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
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I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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