apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
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the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
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I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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