shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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