meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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