Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
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mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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