Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
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Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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