Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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