why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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