you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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