Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize