Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
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