She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hippo gnu deer
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
