I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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