Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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