Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it's like heaven, but drunker
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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