What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize