Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
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You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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