What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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