Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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