i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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