Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I need moral support for this bender
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
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You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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