god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
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We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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