I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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