This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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