Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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