I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
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Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
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I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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