it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
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I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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