When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize